The Trifecta of Fails

There are lots of things in this mom-life that are not recommended. No pacifiers past two…no sleeping in bed with mom….don’t do too much screen-time…blah blah blah. But as someone who has always went against the grain, I find myself testing the limits of recommendations on the daily. However, SOME recommendations really should be headed. Take my word for it!

Trifecta of Fails!

Fail 1 of 3 – Hot Mess Hotel

Like most momma’s, I’m always on the lookout for a good deal.  I’ll tirelessly scour travel sites until I come across the right hotel and I’ll make a solid effort to save money whenever I can. For this trip, I booked a “value hotel” that I thought was going to be a super mom win! At first glance, my hotel deal was really impressive! It was almost magic that I got such a total SCORE of a rate, but shortly after we arrived, all bets were off and things started falling apart….

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This hotel was literally in the middle of nowhere. Like right smack dab in the middle of a desolate, lifeless, infotech wasteland of high rises and our hotel turned out to be an extremely dated, 1970’s “resort” complex. You know…the type of place that shouldn’t even be open anymore but still boasts:

“Top Notch Amenities”  – Which really means 3 day old coffee in the lobby, a bar of soap in your room that miraculously works as shampoo, body wash AND facial cleanser, and each room contains a dusty minibar that is chronically empty.

“Fine Dining” – This actually refers to one nasty sports bar where the waiters hate their lives and have to wear referee costumes, and one “high-class” restaurant that serves meals that I’ve had better frozen, for a price thats 20X the value.

“Health Club Quality Aquatic Center” – This is a small lap pool and scummy hot tub, with an old guy lounging in it, who is still sporting his gold chain.


Fail #2 of 3- DiapDrama

Being an optimistic traveler, I decided I would make the best of the ghetto hotel and still treat Lucian to a dip in the pool, despite my odds. As I was getting her dressed into her baby bikini, I realized that I had totally forgot to pack swim diapers. Oh, crap.

“Hmmmm…..(tapping my fingers on the ultra groovy hotel sofa)….I don’t see why a REGULAR diaper won’t work. I mean, a diaper is a diaper, right? How bad can is really be?”

Famous. Last. Words.

This is pretty much like saying a steak is a steak, or a car is a car. So wrong, on so many levels! Nevertheless, we suited up in the regular diaper,  took the elevator to the BASEMENT, and walked into this glamorous scene:


Now, the picture doesn’t do it justice, but here’s the highlight reel:

Flickering florescent lighting, crumbling stucco walks, cracking concrete pool, fake tropical plants, leaky and condensation filled sky lights and…..a pool side lift chair? And did I mention we are somehow in the basement?! I felt like I had literally walked into Hugh Hefner’s bathroom! So sick!

But, I went for it anyway and Lucian still thought it was great! That’s the best perk of travels with a toddler, it doesn’t take much to keep them excited.

Within about 15 seconds in the pool, I noticed that Lucian was kind of heavier than normal. I actually thought to myself… isn’t everyone supposed to be lighter in the water, why is she so heavy? A minute or so passed, and then her swimsuit seemed a little tight. I thought to myself…. that’s so weird, I didn’t notice it was too small when we were getting dressed. I must really be losing it. I boosted her up on the wall while we were having fun and water frolicking….  then the true disaster revealed itself.

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Her diaper must have weighed at least 96 pounds and was leaking little gelatinous balls all down her legs. I looked into the water, and sure enough, little gelly balls were floating all over like unfortunate fish eggs. I turned her around to inspect this diaper drama and right before my eyes, my baby turned into Kim Kardashian! Woah… baby DashDiap! Her diaper had puffed her little booty out to super human size.

I had no choice but to hang my head in full mom shame. Yea… this would be why it’s recommended that babies wear a swim diaper, NOT a regular diaper, in the pool.

I figured it would be a good idea to get out of the pool before too many folks noticed the rapidly expanding rear end on my kid. As soon as we had successfully snuck out of the pool, and had hidden ourselves under the very luxurious, 10 thread count pool towels, the REAL diaper fail came in the version of a BABY PEE WATERFALL. As it turns out, once a diaper is soaked to it’s full capacity, it no longer does a single bit of good at catching pee. I would have been better off having her wear a kleenex for a diaper at this point.

Fail 3 of 3 – The Disposal

Let’s not beat around the bush, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY to secretly dispose of a waterlogged diaper, that is the size of a body pillow, right next to the Pool Attendant desk! I should mention that the desk has a prominently displayed sign that reads “All Children Who Are Not Potty Trained Must Wear Swim Diapers”.

So, here was my big slick plan:

I smoothly walked over toward the can…

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and I start working my best magic to try to distract the attendant…

“Doesn’t the pool attendant look so pretty with hair like that, Lucian?”

The attendant, who has worn the same haircut since the groundbreaking of this cutting-edge resort, did not fall for it.

Time for plan B.

I decided I would just casually drop the diaper into the metal trash can on my way out. Solid thought, right?!

Here is the mega fail, folks: That tiny, thousand pound diaper, dropped to the bottom of the empty trash can like ton of bricks, sucking the flimsy plastic can liner down like a flushing toilet, and the diaper bomb hit the bottom of the can like a Gong Show! The crashing sound resounded off those stucco walls like an amplifier and every person in that room jumped a least three feet! They all knew that I was the rule breaker, the mental momma who used a regular diaper in the pool, and the mom who was trying to sneak out without fessing up to the diaper disaster! There was literally not ONE smooth thing about this delivery, so I just high-tailed it out of there!

The moral of the story here is, sometimes it’s easier to just follow the rules.

And, ALWAYS wear the swim diaper!


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